


Twin Size Mattress

by DearTreeBros (IceSensei)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Slow Burn, Tagging as Chapters go up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 17:08:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13594572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceSensei/pseuds/DearTreeBros
Summary: Slow burn Tree Bros following my interpretation of the song Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms.A story where we get to see the complexity of Connor's mental state because the fact that he got to the point of killing himself is as relevant to the plot of Dear Evan Hansen as Evan's attempt and anxiety.





	Twin Size Mattress

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames of my friends’ bodies.
> 
> This line speaks for Connor's usual personality as well as a way he gets where only Evan, and occasionally Heidi, get to see him. Usually in the late hours of the night.
> 
> Feel free to ask questions or offer constructive criticism at [my Tumblr.](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/deartreebros) I'd love to have a chance to hear what you think!

_This is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames of my friends’ bodies_

Evan and Connor’s relationship was unique, to say the least. It was definitely one that seemed to pique the interest of their peers in school even though it had little to do with them. Hushed gossip in the hallways seemed to follow them whenever they walked to class, and Connor always had the same thing to say about their judgemental tones,

“It’s none of their god damn business.”

And it wasn’t. Evan knew that. But he could never help the anxiety that reared its ugly head in the back of his mind. All those people staring at him, talking about him, _judging_ him. Despite the curiosity surrounding the meekest and the most aggressive boys at school, no one knew much about their dynamic aside from the two boys themselves. That is, except for maybe Jared and Zoe.

But even at that, Evan Hansen was never completely sure on how he and Connor Murphy were compatible.

As a child, Evan had always been unusually quiet and became even more so after his father left him and his mother in the second grade. It wasn’t really a question of whether or not that incident had triggered what was perhaps the fiercest part of his personality, his social anxiety.

He struggled to speak loudly enough, clearly enough, confidently enough, on a day-to-day basis. His hands were always restless, scratching at his scalp or pulling at the loose strings on the hem of his shirts. Evan often compared himself to a mouse. On the other hand, Connor was brash and unapologetic. When words failed Evan, his best friend spoke enough for both of them. He argued with teachers and classmates alike, always pulling the attention away from Evan when need be. Assertive and unafraid, Connor was a lion.

Though if Evan had learned anything from his anxiety disorder, it was that strong fronts can only last so long before they begin to crumble. He knew he was lucky because he had a solid support system in place. Heidi was and would always be his number one supporter, Connor would have his back regardless, and even Jared could be serious enough when it came to Evan having a panic attack. Connor was never so fortunate

Evan felt both honoured and disappointed to be the only one that Connor trusted to let his guard down. He felt like the chosen one, the only one that was worthy enough to care for his upset best friend. But he also felt deeply saddened that he was the only one that Con felt like he could go to on a regular basis. It was no big surprise that he never went to his parents. Even though Evan didn’t completely understand the reasoning, he knew that Connor didn’t get along with them. There had also once been a time where the Murphy siblings would rely upon one another, but their once heartwarming relationship was now tense at best.

It was for that reason that Evan left his window, though on the second floor of his apartment building, unlocked and his window sill empty. Despite it being a rarity that both Hansen’s were ever at home at the same time, Connor always felt more comfortable climbing the tree outside Evan’s window to enter his room than to risk bothering Heidi when he arrived at the front door at some odd hour in the middle of the night.

On night’s like this for instance.

Evan slowly woke to the sound of his window sliding shut before processing the someone was climbing into bed with him. He lifted his duvet and allowed for the other figure to slide in, spooning him from behind. He slowly flipped himself around so that his guest could bury his face in Evan’s chest. “Con?” He asked groggily as arms wrapped themselves around his middle and gripped the back of his sweater.

All he received in response was a muffled sob. Evan sighed sadly and wrapped his own arms around Connor as he shushed him. One hand rubbed soothing circles into the shaking boy’s back as the other one ran through the long knotted locks. He held his best friend close, breathing in the faint smell of weed that always seemed to cling to Connor and tried to imagine what could have brought on such a strong reaction from an otherwise stoic person.

When Connor’s crying had ceased, Evan slowly pried himself away from his best friend to turn on a lamp and connect his phone to his speaker. It was nights like this where he could appreciate the fact that his mother wasn’t home so that it made it easier to go about comforting Connor. Evan adjusted the volume so that the Spotify playlist the two had made together for this situation exactly was playing softly in the room before he left to make two cups of chamomile tea.

Connor was sitting up when Evan came back with the two mugs. He felt his heart tighten as his best friend looked so small with the sheets draped across his shoulders and the soft glow of the light in the room defining the sharp angles of his face. Connor looked to be somewhere far away. His eyes, red from either tears or weed or maybe a combination of the two, were staring blankly at his collection of books lined up on his desk.

The brunet’s eyes blinked into awareness as one of the mugs settled warmly into his hands. He shuffled over just enough so that Evan could join him on the twin sized mattress. Connor leaned his head onto his friend’s shoulder with a defeated sigh as Evan adjusted the blankets so that both boys were comfortable.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Evan asked, but Connor was already shaking his head before he was even done speaking. This wasn’t unusual, the brunet rarely ever felt up to talking after such a display of sadness, but it hurt Evan nonetheless. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, it scared him that he had to speak for both of them on nights like these.

The two sat huddled together comfortably as Bon Iver played softly through the speakers. Evan hummed along as took small sips of his tea. Conner simply held his mug between his hands instead of drinking the beverage, but Evan knew that the brunet preferred the tea as a comforting warmth to anchor him to reality instead of as an actual drink.

“Let’s get ready for bed then.” The honey blond decided once he finished his own chamomile tea. Connor was still in his jeans and black sweater, clothing he had worn that day, and Evan decided that if he was going to get his friend to relax properly, he’d need to get properly comfortable. He set out a pair of plaid pajama pants and an oversized band shirt that a distant relative had gotten him for either Christmas or his birthday, he couldn't remember, before taking both mugs and heading to the kitchen to allow Connor the privacy to get changed.

“Mom?” Heidi looked up from her phone as Evan padded into the kitchen. He was surprised that she was home and that he hadn’t heard her come in. But then again, he wasn’t really sure what time it was either. Her shift could have ended hours ago for all he knew.

“Hey Honey.” She smiled softly as she watched him place both mugs in the sink. “One of those nights again?”

“Yeah,” he sighed as he leaned back against the counter. “He doesn’t want to talk about it though.”

“Then you’ll probably have to leave it at that for now.” Heidi’s words did little to comfort Evan’s unease. “He’s probably exhausted, I wouldn’t want to talk about what’s upsetting me at this time either.”

“What time is it?”

“Quarter past four.” Evan’s eyebrows rose in surprise. It really shouldn’t have surprised him that Connor had shown up so late, but it caught him off guard every single time regardless. “You two should probably get some rest, you’re lucky it’s not a school night.”

“Yeah, I know,” he admitted as he pushed himself up and walked towards his mom. He enveloped her in a tight hug which he hoped conveyed how grateful he was. “Goodnight mom, love you.”

“Love you too.” Heidi gave him a quick squeeze before pushing him gently towards the hallway. “Make sure he has a good sleep, we both know that he doesn’t get enough of that.” Even with the teasing tone, he could hear the fondness in his mother’s tone. Connor had somehow wormed his way into the Hansen’s hearts.

When Evan returned to his room, Connor had changed but was standing in the middle of the bedroom with his arms wrapped around his middle, his shoulders hunched, chin tucked to his chest, and eyes fixed firmly on the floor. In moments like these, Evan didn’t think that his best friend truly looked like himself.

Connor Murphy looked more like a shell of his former self, as if the fierceness of the lion had abandoned him.

“Music on or off?” Only when he gently closed the door behind him did the brunet look up. Evan offered a soft smile which was barely returned.

“Can we keep it on, please?” Evan felt his heart lift at Connor’s gentle tone. Just getting words out of him could be taken as a success. The unspoken agreement was that the light was to stay on as both climbed into Evan’s small bed. The brunet allowed himself to be the little spoon for once as Evan slid in behind him, enveloping him in a protective embrace.

The honey blond wondered what could have driven Connor to come here at this hour of the night. Was it a fight that he had with his parents? Did they usually fight in the early hours of the morning? Or was Connor plagued with nightmares like the ones he occasionally suffered? He also wondered if he had driven here or walked. It wouldn’t have been the first time Connor walked the five miles between their houses in the middle of the night. Evan had forgotten to check to see if his car was parked on the road and it was too late to check now that they were both in bed.

Evan waited until his best friend’s breathing evened out before allowing himself to relax. He worried for Connor a lot. He had his suspicions that the Murphy’s didn’t realize the severity of their son’s mental state and that was why he wasn’t receiving the help he needed. Evan was fortunate that he had a mother that loved him so much that she picked up extra shifts to pay for his own therapy.

All he could do for Connor right now was hold him tightly and reassure him that at least he was here for him. Before he drifted off, Evan’s last coherent thought was that he hoped that morning would bring a new day and with the new day would come new hope.


End file.
